No self-compassion and no vulnerability = guaranteed burnout
When I think of legal professionals, the words “self-compassion” and “vulnerability” don’t usually come to mind. But after some deeply introspective coaching sessions I had last week (as a coachee), a crucial question suddenly arose: If, during my career, I had been more self-compassionate and accepted that I was vulnerable at times — instead of insisting on performing at 100% at all times — could I have avoided my own burnout and the serious impact it has had on my career and well-being over the past five years?
The answer is a resounding “Yes.”
Those who haven’t experienced burnout may not know how it feels — like a sting that burns you and prevents you from functioning properly. You’re always “on,” struggling to eat and sleep, while your defenses slowly break down. You become increasingly insecure until, ultimately, you give up. I had a wonderful in-house career that seemed unstoppable, and I had spread my wings (literally) for my dream job in the US. At some point, I crashed like an ill-fated airplane. After leaving that role, I faced the pandemic on my own in The Netherlands, which was incredibly difficult. But little by little, I pulled myself together and started a new career as a consultant for law firms and in-house legal departments, and as a mentor and coach for legal professionals. I know I’m not the only one who has gone through this, but sadly legal professionals often just don’t talk about it.
Looking back, several events contributed to my growing vulnerability: my mother’s passing, which I didn’t have time to grieve properly; a difficult breakup; relocating to the US at age 50, leaving my family and friends behind; a highly competitive, demanding work environment; and the passing of a dear friend. None of these were unmanageable individually, but combined they took a heavy toll as I was aging and becoming less resilient to stress. In the meantime, pressure at work was continuously growing.
And what about the signs? Shouldn’t I have seen that sleeping with my phone next to my bed and checking emails multiple times throughout the night wasn’t okay? Or that eating while standing alone at my desk every day, working, wasn’t healthy? Shouldn’t I have listened to friends who worried I’d end up burned out and seek help?
Recovering from burnout is incredibly tough. You lose confidence, and become hyper-sensitive to stress. As legal professionals, we’re conditioned to fight and win — showing vulnerability is, for many, just unthinkable. If we don’t perform at our best all the time, we risk losing clients or even our jobs. We end up with zero self-compassion, and tend to hide our vulnerability from others.
But here’s the truth: If you want a long, healthy career, you need to treat it like a marathon — one that lasts many years. That means caring for yourself with compassion, and accepting that vulnerability is part of the process, especially as you age and face tougher challenges. When you get stung, you must quickly get back on your feet and be ready to fight even harder (and, I have to admit, I really enjoy that!).
What might this look like?
Allow yourself to process traumatic and stressful events, giving your mind and body time to rest and recover.
Adopt habits that strengthen your stress resilience.
Recognize the behaviors that signal an impending burnout and take preventive action.
If you do burn out, develop a smart exit strategy that allows you to leave your organization gracefully — if that’s what you want.
Once you step away, rediscover your life purpose and take actions aligned with it, carefully choosing your new environment and circles.
Shake off negativity and don’t forget to laugh — at least sometimes!
Coaching can be a powerful tool to help legal professionals manage these pressures and avoid burnout. I’ve come to realize how much it would have helped me to have a coach partnering with me to minimize the negative impact of my burnout.
Better late than never, I guess!